i miss

being in love with Him.

I mean, truly, unreservedly, head over heels in LOVE with Jesus.

My lungs are about to explode.

My heart leaps like a lion cub at the thought of pursuing His perfection.

It beats continually. Like a giant metronome. Yearning to be in His presence.

Nothing else matters.

Especially now.

I finally feel like I get it.

I know I don't.

But I finally feel like I do.

strangely?

today, i found out:

that i am needed.

in more than one way.

by dear friends. 

by the sinking state of the world today.

i am to be hand and foot.

i am here to listen and act.

to pour out my love in copious amounts.

it is a calling.

...keyword: 'a'.

i dont think many people read these.

and to be rather frank, 

i am, strangely, the slightest bit glad.

it cracks the gate of vulnerability open just enough to bring some peace.

i also just realized that 'strangely' starts to look quite odd after staring at it for an extensive period of time.

its 2:13 in the morning. what am i thinking?

this is where i should begin scolding myself in third person.

goodnight, all.

unsung heroes

Today, as I was heading accomplish a bustling agenda of tasks, I walked past the television and caught glimpse of the movie blaring throughout the living room. My feet came to a momentary pause. Dad was sitting intently in his claimed recliner, and after hearing roughly 30 seconds of the score, I immediately knew what movie it was.

Pearl Harbor.

I ran to our plaid-smitten couch and took a permanent evening seat.

...I've seen this movie like, a bajillion times. It's definitely always been one of my sacred favorites. But somehow, it just hit me differently tonight. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm a little older these days. Or maybe my attention span has miraculously lengthened.

Either way. Man. That movie is heavy. And I know a lot of people might be turned away from it because of the cheesy, fictional love story that it beholds. But I mean, honestly? If anything, that just beefs up the emotion ten times more. Plus, I'm a sap. I'm biased to these types of things.

The story of these heroes is nothing short of commendable. Heartwrenching. Heroic. Brave.

After soaking up all I could from the meticulously re-enacted attack scenes, I stepped away a different-hearted person. I somehow felt the agony of war. Connected truly with the stories of these unsung heroes.

I watched the bonus features. Saw the making of the film itself, which is incredible to watch. Michael Bay went all out to pursue reality. Almost every, if not every, story in the movie is a glimpse of factual history. Dory Miller. The two best friends. The love story. Doolittle and his top-secret gang. All of it. Real.

My dad has an old book of my grandfather's called "Day of Infamy." I started it tonight and hope to finish it in a matter of days. I'm intrigued beyond reason. War is something that just wraps itself around my mind and lingers for hours. Oh, the things we can learn from history. From victory. From defeat.

These men went through things you and I would never upon any circumstance wish upon ourselves. They were tested in a moment of terrifying panic and sudden combat. And they prevailed victorious, no matter what the history textbooks may say. They fought unto the death. They discarded numbers and pursued victory when favor wasn't their friend. 

Over a thousand of these men still lie entombed under the tossing waves of the Pacific Sea. Trapped and sentenced to their own death without choice, they drowned in the midst of their heroic action. They, like you and I, had families. Loved people. Loved prospects and spouses. Loved life. And last, but most certainly not least, loved their country. 

This morning, at 1:22 A.M. in the morning, I write this simple blog entry to honor those of our past. Those who flew, fought, and finished the trying task at hand. Those who, in a time of no knowledge nor warning, gave their hearts to the cause of their country. I salute you. Really, I do.

It may be little. But I felt the need to document my emotional outpourings in some way or another.

Until next time, brothers and sisters.

Let us truly not forget.

trouble sleeping

I'm having trouble sleeping

You're jumping in my bed

Twisting in my head 

Leave me

I'm having trouble breathing

You're sitting on my chest

I sure could use the rest

Leave me

It's you

Why's it always you

And never me?

I've never dared to let my feelings free

Why's it always you

And never me?

I've never cared too much about honesty

I'm having trouble sleeping

I'm thinking of what you said

About the tears been shed

Leave me

It's you

Now and always you 

But never me

I've never dared to let my feelings free

Why's it always you and never me?

I've never cared too much about honesty

i reach for you

this makes my heart leap.

clickclickclick.

twoinone.

two blogs in one day?

today's definitely a thinking day.

i've come to find that i am so much more comfortable when i really listen to others.

and i've come to the conclusion that songwriting is what i am going to put my whole heart into.

the art and craft of it all fascinates me and stirs within my soul.

thank you, joy williams, for inspiring me tonight via itunes.

my journal's pages will be filling up quite hastily due to recent occurances.

;)

i'm hungry.

so i'm going to go take care of that.

but until then, fellow interweb community,

i bid you adieu. and wish you a lovely week.

ninety sister.

so today i rode (?) the elliptical to the magical sound of the goo goo dolls.

i was instantly taken aback into the nineties.

which instantly brought me back to the times when i would mimick my sister's every move and motion. especially when it came to the music she listened to.

thank you, sis, for making me who i am today. truly.

dude.

sometimes life can really suck.

asd;gklahsdglakhsdglahsdlkjasdgljasdg.

wakeupcall.

whoa.

does it ever just knock you over your head and onto your knees?

do you ever just feel every weight of the world lose it's significance in light of the one and only we are meant to pursue?

it's just mind-boggling.

that i've been so dense.

that i've been wanting things that i KNOW won't bring true satisfaction.

as i was walking across the quad tonight after my run, that ONE song came on. the one song i just needed to hear in solitude. waves of nostalgia and a thought such as "what the HECK have i been doing?!" bounced from side to side in my brain. 

i've completely forgotten. well, not completely. but i've forgotten how to connect. how to pursue. i've forgotten the meaning of right priorities. 

forgotten that everything good in me comes directly FROM the spirit. 

that God doesn't love me because of the good things i've done, but He makes ME good out of His undying, incomprehensible, undeserved love for me.

i've forgotten what the phrase 'stand in awe' really means.

to stand in awe before the one who stood before creation.

the one who stood before my failure and carried the cross for my shame.

HE took MY sin upon HIS shoulders. there was no other way.

He deserves my whole heart. my entire focus. i LIVE for His existence. none of this stuff is about me. none of it.

'so I'll stand

with arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the one who gave it all

i'll stand,

my soul Lord to You surrendered

all i am is Yours.. "

that I may gaze upon Your face, oh Lord. oh, to know this man.

shoot. talk about a wake up call.

fevah fevah

i have a fever.

it's no fun.

i took a three hour nap today and i'm still tired. humm.

i realized today that i have a number of ambitions.

1. to acquire a new moleskin journal and a ballpoint pen

2. to actually carve out time to utilize those things

3. to visit some sweet coffeeshops/bookstores in the course of the next couple weeks

4. to somehow acquire an australian accent (thank you brooke fraser)

5. to learn all the pentatonic scales necessary to even brush the shores of being somewhat like john mayer

6. to be okay with not being okay

7. to actually become accustomed to getting my things done

8. to write more. in my journal. on my guitar. in the form of music, notes, and songs.

which might all very well seem to be the same thing. but in my mind, there lie significant differences.

i want to change the world, or maybe a tiny part of it, with the music god channels through me.

i want to change the way i perceive people. i don't want to judge them in the way i always have. i don't want to feel judged when i put my thoughts out on the line.

i stopped and wondered today,

what would the world be like, if everyone acted in the way God intended them to?

would it be robotic? or would love overcome all?

what is the purpose of pain and doubt?

i like to wonder.

missing out

i don't want to miss out on the gift God has to offer now. true, we will be with Him FOREVER in heaven. but i can't treat this relationship like an off-distance mirage for eighty years. i HAVE to learn to connect now, to worship NOW...because there is something special about connecting with the Father in a way we can't experience after death. He is here, now, waiting, and has SO much to offer. i don't want to miss out on the adrenaline rush of running after the invisible God, pursuing truth and faith in a world chock full of a culture telling me to do otherwise. there's something special about connecting with Him now, letting him show me the things He's had in store for me since the day I was born. He has plans for me now, and i just can't miss out. the time for pursuit is now.

oh..and, i'm in college! it's pretty cool i haven't posted on this sucker in almost a year. aw yeuh. 

phat beatz.

im excited because:

i now am the owner of an african djembe

im leading worship this sunday with an amazing group of people

...and i'm wearing cotton leggings.

yep.

im excited.