wakeupcall.

whoa.

does it ever just knock you over your head and onto your knees?

do you ever just feel every weight of the world lose it's significance in light of the one and only we are meant to pursue?

it's just mind-boggling.

that i've been so dense.

that i've been wanting things that i KNOW won't bring true satisfaction.

as i was walking across the quad tonight after my run, that ONE song came on. the one song i just needed to hear in solitude. waves of nostalgia and a thought such as "what the HECK have i been doing?!" bounced from side to side in my brain. 

i've completely forgotten. well, not completely. but i've forgotten how to connect. how to pursue. i've forgotten the meaning of right priorities. 

forgotten that everything good in me comes directly FROM the spirit. 

that God doesn't love me because of the good things i've done, but He makes ME good out of His undying, incomprehensible, undeserved love for me.

i've forgotten what the phrase 'stand in awe' really means.

to stand in awe before the one who stood before creation.

the one who stood before my failure and carried the cross for my shame.

HE took MY sin upon HIS shoulders. there was no other way.

He deserves my whole heart. my entire focus. i LIVE for His existence. none of this stuff is about me. none of it.

'so I'll stand

with arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the one who gave it all

i'll stand,

my soul Lord to You surrendered

all i am is Yours.. "

that I may gaze upon Your face, oh Lord. oh, to know this man.

shoot. talk about a wake up call.

fevah fevah

i have a fever.

it's no fun.

i took a three hour nap today and i'm still tired. humm.

i realized today that i have a number of ambitions.

1. to acquire a new moleskin journal and a ballpoint pen

2. to actually carve out time to utilize those things

3. to visit some sweet coffeeshops/bookstores in the course of the next couple weeks

4. to somehow acquire an australian accent (thank you brooke fraser)

5. to learn all the pentatonic scales necessary to even brush the shores of being somewhat like john mayer

6. to be okay with not being okay

7. to actually become accustomed to getting my things done

8. to write more. in my journal. on my guitar. in the form of music, notes, and songs.

which might all very well seem to be the same thing. but in my mind, there lie significant differences.

i want to change the world, or maybe a tiny part of it, with the music god channels through me.

i want to change the way i perceive people. i don't want to judge them in the way i always have. i don't want to feel judged when i put my thoughts out on the line.

i stopped and wondered today,

what would the world be like, if everyone acted in the way God intended them to?

would it be robotic? or would love overcome all?

what is the purpose of pain and doubt?

i like to wonder.