listening to re:stacks by bon iver.
i need this reflective music right now. i've been so scatterbrained these past few days. i honestly don't know how i am going to go about processing the entirety of this year. in all of its beauty and trial, college has truly brought me into the vast abyss of self-realization. i've doubted myself, gotten lost in the shuffle, been found again, experienced favor and blessing, made royal mistakes, and have crawled on my hands and knees toward grace once again. i've learned how to be social and like it. yes, simultaneously. i've grown fond of loving on others; sometimes too much. i've learned to share a small, small space with another collegiate human being and call it my norm. i've learned that attending a christian university doesn't make true religion any easier. i've come to appreciate people in all their various forms and mentalities-that i'm not made to fit a mold and only become close to those similar to myself. in fact, most of my closest relationships have been with those that i don't share many 'attributes' or 'interests' with. our common ground has been none but the desire to know one another deeply and truly, and to take away what we can from each others' experiences thus far. and our lives have been short. we have only begun. and yet, stating that life has been short brings me to also say that life remains short as the road lengthens. it's so incredibly odd to say that my first year of college is over with, and i do have fears of going back home. i'm afraid i'll revert-back to that tiny little insecure being i once was. back to giving in to temptations of complacency and naiveness. that really is a word, by the way. i thought it looked funny, but i just looked it up. anyway.
i've had some really good conversations this week. i've had some hard ones, too. really hard ones.
i'll probably expand on these thoughts later.
brittney is itching to get in bed, and my eyelids are begging me to comply with her desire to slumber.
tomorrow i'm driving home from this place.
and thy heart is prepared.
i also decided to pursue my dreams tonight. with such determination that has never been earthed within myself before. with everything i have. hello, World. i so badly want to say i am ready for you.
2 comments:
Your blog entry has been sitting at the top of my blog dashboard all day, and no one else has updated their blog, so every time i refresh your's is still there.
and I feel bad that no one commented on your entry yet because i thought this was really heartfelt and beautiful. is that ok?
As hard as it is....freshman year just seems to be a year where everything that you are is just splattered right in front of you. Its so interesting. You really are able to find out your strengths and weaknesses....which i dont think is a bad thing at all, sometimes its just hard. Self-realization isn't always pretty...but i think its always good.
Kacie, just remember who YOU are. You've learned a lot about yourself this year and you have no reason to go back to anything that you were before! God brought you through this year to make you who you are today. I find that beautiful.
You're a beautiful girl.
:)
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