i am.

i am.

i am beginning to long to step with my own two feet once again

i am learning through trial and temptation that redemption is always readily available, yet completely undeserved

i am striving to become like those i respect most

i am preparing for a newness in spirit and a heavy change of heart

i am.

a little more

Why are these tears surfacing and streaming like beads of water upon a broken windowsill? I don't know what I miss or where my emotions lie. I don't know exactly where my heart desires to place itself, and that really frightens me. I feel so very lost. I know I need something more. Should I settle? Should I pick and pry until things are molded into the ideal shape I've always been after?

My heart...it hurts.

My soul is muddy and confused.

My life is a giant fork in the midst of a vastly spacious road.

And among all of these things, I miss my Creator.

I miss the promise of His word,

though I know it still endures.

Even in blindness.

Tonight's worship was impressive-but more-so, incredibly needed.

My heart has felt such an unnecessary distance lately-surely from keeping itself considerately "busy".

I miss the stillness. The dedication of ceasing activity and stretching out an anxious, passionate ear.

Tonight, I realize that my life is so much more than a sonnet of the self. It is a novel-written and authorized by one much greater than I.

Tonight, I conclude that sincere love can bind up even the deepest and darkest of our wounds.

hmph.

decision-making sucks. especially for someone like me.

small satisfaction

it has been forever long since i have blogged. and i'm seriously about to fall asleep whilst attempting to graciously update this here thing, mainly for my own sake. one thing i absolutely hate is feeling inspired and incredibly sleepy, simultaneously.

i can hear my daddy snoring in the next room. soon enough, i'll be in his similar situation. minus the snoring. i never snore. this is an undeniable truth.

today, i fed my brain. i saw a movie with my family. my mother and i googled over michael buble's swooning melodies. my dad swears that he practices his stage moves in front of a mirror. i wouldn't doubt it. but who cares? he's fantastic. even though i kind of hear he's realistically a tool. bleh. what i know doesn't hurt me.

anyhow. i just feel rather inspired. i can't really pinprick a specific reason, though. i've just read a lot today. i've observed a lot. felt a lot. my mother and i went and looked at homeless puppies up at petsmart today, and i almost bawled. sometimes i can be such a baby. i wanted to take every single one of those furry creatures home with me. even though i don't really live at home anymore. weird. turns out we didn't adopt one, but others were being taken left and right. so the trip at least concluded by emitting a tiny ripple of hope for domesticated mammals everywhere. or maybe just in amarillo. but you catch my drift.

i'm not capitalizing any of my sentences today. for that, i am sorry. my laziness has once again taken hold over my soul. i promise you, it won't always be this way. i doubt very many people read this, anyway. if you do, i salute you. and appreciate you. and will give you a large hug if i happen to bypass you anytime in the near future.

summer has been really good so far. my doubts have been remedied by familiar reunions with old friends, and the introduction of new relationships and opportunities. i feel like this summer will balance itself out, between the old and the new, you know? things won't be identical to the way they used to be, but i will still be able to enjoy old friends and old memories and old places. but God has also opened a few new doors for me and my soul. and for that, i am very thankful. and i plan to be a 'wherever the wind blows' type of spirit in my coming days. which is somewhat comforting. uncertain, yes, but relaxing. i need to relax. things have been kind of tough in my mind, lately. taking a mental break and letting myself go and entering trust will be beneficial, i am sure.

anyway. my lids are growing heavier by the minute. but today has been good. i feel peaceful. i feel love. i love my family. i love my hometown. i love my dog. goodness, do i love my dog.

i concluded my day by reading a few chapters out of the book of psalms. one, psalm 63 in specific, penetrated my heart before i could even finish the entire passage. it read:

'God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You.

I thirst for You,

my body faints for You,

in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water.

So I gaze on you in the sanctuary

to see Your strength and Your glory.

My lips will glorify You,

because Your faithful love is better than life.

So I will praise You as long as I live;

at Your name, I will lift up my hands.

You satisfy me as with RICH food;

my mouth will praise You with JOYFUL lips."

I stopped. I read over a few lines. And something within me resonated a little bit. A small portion of my dry heart felt moistened and live once again. I skimmed over to a friendly sidenote my bible provided, and what I read also put forth a new kind of mentality in this routine cranium of mine. It was a quote by John Piper. It said:

"If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great."

Those words simply stopped me in my tracks. NO room left for the great. My heart has so longed after fleeting, insignificant things for as long as I can remember. And because of it, I haven't left my creator ANY room in my heart to move. The spirit is fighting for a place to live and dwell, you know? I don't know about any of you, but I've been in a severe dry spell lately. I haven't felt much connection, or desire, or passion, or really much of anything in my spiritual walk. I feel like I've been knowledgeable and know how to act and how to obey and how to look good in front of people when I need to. But deep down, it's been tough. I know, even still, that I love God and that He loves me. Unreservedly. But sometimes, it's just difficult. And reading these words tonight brought forth in me a tiny sliver of new passion and hope. I feel a little bit alive again. And maybe, just maybe, it is moments like these that I need to learn to savor and store away, into the deep crevices of my soul.

All this said, my brain feels productive. My heart feels like it's beating once again. And here I am, capitalizing properly. Baha. Sorry for the confusion, if any of you are grammar OCD. I'm really not, so I could really care less right about now. But, I digress.

Tonight, I am thankful for the potential of longing. That I have an ability and a calling to thirst after God like I would thirst for water after panting through a desolate, dry, life-shrinking desert. That I should cry out for Him as I long for daily portions of RICH food, and that my lips should ever be joyful at the mention of His name.

Tonight, I am thankful that I am able to praise a God who satisfies.

and as for the picture at the top of my blog. Take a long look at it. You'll probably start salivating or something. Then think to yourself, "I am called to be in WANTING for the Lord JUST AS MUCH as I am drooling over the vision of these luscious, mouth-watering chocolates." And then remember, chocolate is fleeting. It doesn't have much to give but immediate satisfaction and taste. But taste the Lord, and realize that He is forever good, and his favor, wisdom, love, and compassion is ENDLESS. Long for that. I'm working on it with you.

K. Bye guys.

prepare thy heart

listening to re:stacks by bon iver.

i need this reflective music right now. i've been so scatterbrained these past few days. i honestly don't know how i am going to go about processing the entirety of this year. in all of its beauty and trial, college has truly brought me into the vast abyss of self-realization. i've doubted myself, gotten lost in the shuffle, been found again, experienced favor and blessing, made royal mistakes, and have crawled on my hands and knees toward grace once again. i've learned how to be social and like it. yes, simultaneously. i've grown fond of loving on others; sometimes too much. i've learned to share a small, small space with another collegiate human being and call it my norm. i've learned that attending a christian university doesn't make true religion any easier. i've come to appreciate people in all their various forms and mentalities-that i'm not made to fit a mold and only become close to those similar to myself. in fact, most of my closest relationships have been with those that i don't share many 'attributes' or 'interests' with. our common ground has been none but the desire to know one another deeply and truly, and to take away what we can from each others' experiences thus far. and our lives have been short. we have only begun. and yet, stating that life has been short brings me to also say that life remains short as the road lengthens. it's so incredibly odd to say that my first year of college is over with, and i do have fears of going back home. i'm afraid i'll revert-back to that tiny little insecure being i once was. back to giving in to temptations of complacency and naiveness. that really is a word, by the way. i thought it looked funny, but i just looked it up. anyway.

i've had some really good conversations this week. i've had some hard ones, too. really hard ones.

i'll probably expand on these thoughts later.

brittney is itching to get in bed, and my eyelids are begging me to comply with her desire to slumber.

tomorrow i'm driving home from this place.

and thy heart is prepared.

i also decided to pursue my dreams tonight. with such determination that has never been earthed within myself before. with everything i have. hello, World. i so badly want to say i am ready for you.

tumblr

i now have a tumblr! i will probably keep up with this blog still. but tumblr is way fun. call out quotes and graphics are wonderful. aaaand i'm a nerd. 

but i have learned to embrace it.

anyways. here's the link:: www.freshbluesocks.tumblr.com

in other news, it rained all day today. it was so lovely. my roommate was wrapped in a blanket, galloping around in glee at the fact that it was a saturday afternoon, we had nothing to do but sip coffee, watch the rain, listen to john mayer's 'in your atmosphere', and procrastinate psychology homework. so, all in all, today has been beautiful. 

and i've had WAY too much coffee for my own physical good. 

BUT ITS SO YUMMY.

okay. i need to go read now. and calm myself of my caffeinated overdose.

adieu.

call the surgeon

Geez. I just love William Fitzsimmons. I've never been through a situation such as his, but his melodies and lyrics still tug firmly on my heart. I'm idly sitting here, sipping on some cooled down Ethiopian coffee, coming to the realization that life. is. beautiful. Everything about it. Even the pain.

I'm listening to Will serenade me via live youtube video. His acoustic rendition of "If You Would Come Back Home" is raw and brilliant. Here's the link:: (I encourage you to play it whilst reading this...it really adds to the mood. Just sayin'.):: click me now

Keep it on repeat if you have to. 

I'm beginning to realize who and what I want to invest the prime of my life in. And it is simply this: things that are beautiful. Things that have substance. Things that challenge my heart. I'm being reminded of my first love. And HE is so sufficient. So powerful. So faithful.

I feel a mysterious peace and joy this afternoon. And I really like my new Burton beanie.

I feel...like I love myself. Humbly and truly.

I am so blessed. With sincere friends and wisdom. With gifts and a future, God-permitted.

I haven't written in forever, and SO much has happened. But even with that, I struggle to find much to say. And I'm almost positive it's due to this peace.

Throughout all of this shaping and refining, I am discovering and dusting off the inner parts of my sincere being. But it's not just stopping at the discovery-I'm acting it out. I'm a different person, truly and completely. Confident and peaceful. But with a far, far way to travel.

This Friday is my Grandpat's funeral. And unlike any past death or memorial, this time is different. I'm not afraid. Not afraid to express the grief. I miss him.

He's the one who brought us all together. And now he's gone. Just...gone. I miss him terribly. His laugh, his brilliantly timed jokes. His ability to lighten the mood when everyone else appeared ruffled and anxious.

I honestly don't know how Friday will go down. I don't think about these kinds of things too often after the initial occurance. I'm worried it might all hit me at once. One big wave. But maybe that's what needs to happen. Me being quite open to this so-called vulnerability.

Something's different about this one. I don't know what it is, but my heart aches. For him. For my dad who is fighting so fervently to be strong. 

But God is good.

So, so good.

And right now, in this moment, that suffices. Completely.

They'll never take the good years.